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Monday, August 28th, 2006
11:22 pm - feeling good
" Even though a relationship should be more of a wanting thing, than a needing thing, I still need you Matty. I want you more than anything, but I still need you."

"And I still need you too"

I love him so much....I miss being there already...I miss Jon, and Big Mat, and Dave and all them...I miss Matty the most of course...but its time to get back into the swing of things..summer is over..school work must start...the season is begining again...I am excited for nutcracker. I see Matty again in september...we will start apartment hunting..I can't wait.

BTW....fat girls who try to squeeze into cloths too small for them make me laugh.

Fat girls who make up shit....really make me laugh...

and fat girls who don't know when they are not wanted by any one....make me roll on the floor convulsing.

Ive had a wonderful week...enough said

current mood: happy

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Thursday, June 15th, 2006
10:49 am
So I I am back to live journal...Matty is back in my life and I am happy...very very very happy....we are not letting eachother go again...this is for better for worse forever....I am nervous though..I know people don't like the idea...and when he gets ready to move up here in december I am terrified everyone is going to talk him out of it. We are so happy...and we have been planning this for 4 years...I have known him longer than any of them..soo he is not going to change his mind about moving here....I just dont want to deal with the bullshit....I understand they love him..and dont want him to leave...but I mean he is going to be happy..and I just really hope this doesnt happen.

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Friday, January 13th, 2006
10:28 am
Yes Yes Yes Lesley has returned to livejournal...umm lets see I am alone again...but I am back with my friends...friends that I really didnt see much of untill about the end of november and I love that, I wouldnt have it any other way I was actually more alone when I was in my last relationship than I am now...Ive also aquirred some new friends...some that are very dear to me and that I love and respect the hell out of. I also have just taken a break from the bullshit of a relationships. I am done..after the last one I'm just done for awhile. I love the way my life is right now at this very moment. I love the people that have recently come back into my life and the ones that just decided to appear. Nutcracker was fantastic...thank you to all those that came out to see it..the ones that missed it kiss my ass. Thanks to Bryan for all he did and for the awesome cast party after, I had a wonderful time working with you. Thats all for now I guess...I have to finnish getting ready for NY I am going to see phantom..so excited!!!!! bye kids

current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
12:05 pm
Halloween started out shitty, got into a huge fight with Matt, and it was because he was drunk and being a jack ass, I ended up calling Matty crying hysterically all upset, but he helped me come to my senses again, then that night I drove matt around until we worked out our shit, we need to trust eachother..bottom line. Last night we went to a haunted house in philly with my friend hickman and his gf it was ridiculously fun. There were no clowns and that made me happy, they did it after an mental hospital and all the paitents went nuts and murdered everyone. I think it was the 1st time Ive ever heard matt scream, so entertaining. Meh today I have rehearsal, then I might see him for a little bit before he goes to his cal class but who knows? then Im going home to do school work and go to bed since I have rehearsal and class from 12:30-7:30...then im going to matts as I do every wednesday. meh so tired..a shower sounds nice...by kids

current mood: okay

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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
12:57 pm
I am trying really hard to get my school work done..but god damn its just not happening. I have to go to services tonight for Yom kippur...GRRR I hate going there. Its so fucking fake. But anyways, Tomorrow I get to get up and help clean the house before the family comes over for the breaking of the fast. Fun. Matt said he might join us but I really wont care if he doesnt. Why put him through that? Speaking of which we are fine now. We came to alot of relizations that we both just have to get over ourselves and fuck what happened in the past. I also feel like I got my best friend back, and that makes me happy because I missed Matty. I need him around when I am being completely stupid so he can just tell me to shut up and that Im being well stupid. Meh im gonna go get a shower because I feel gross. Hopefully after services tonight ill be able to get over to georges for a bit I need to get out. Bye kids

current mood: content

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Monday, October 10th, 2005
12:17 pm
Last night was hell, but Im not going into all the details...I basically just woke up feeling like shit. I want to see Matt, but I highly dout I will tonight..after last night I just want to be with him not saying anything not talking not really going anywhere, I just want him to hold me. I just feel like I need to be with him after all that was said and all that went on. Its so weird i miss him so much right now...and the fact that I am probably not going to see him later is not helping.

current mood: crushed

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Thursday, October 6th, 2005
10:14 am
I am so fucking miserable right now...1 I am sick, two I find out last night that the weekend my parents are going to be out of town so is Matt, possibly. It fucking sucks, I told him about this way back in augast when I 1st found out about it. When your girlfriend says hey my parents are going to be out of town for a weekend that usually means stay over. I'll write later when im not so pissed

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
7:44 pm
today fucking sucked...matt's not coming over and we are fighting anyway so that is probably a good thing.

I want to be loved again. I miss that feeling so much. I miss knowing that the person you are with loves you. It's scary being in a relationship and not knowing that. I love being with matt, he's great and he is everything I should want in a person. But I have no idea how or what he feels for me, and that scares me. I think there isnt much for me to do but go to bed..at 8 pm on a weeknight..when i should be out doing shit but im not because I dont know where anyone is. a ciggarette sounds good right now..off to the roof.

BTW new pics on my myspace page..check em out if ya want

current mood: crushed

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Saturday, September 24th, 2005
10:23 am
yesterday was blech...the only good thing was that I saw matt, then I went to work...then I went home...today I'm dancing from 1-2:30, I missed my 9:30-11:30 class because my dad let me sleep in and didnt wake me up. I sleep through every alarm. Anyway then I have work from 4-9, then Matts coming over here. I miss him right now...not really sure why but I do. Hate those random urges to see someone when there isnt shit you can do about it. Alright by kids

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Friday, September 23rd, 2005
1:08 pm


Last night was hell, I got mad at matt for a stupid reason, I spent all of last night hating myself for it and most of this morning. I've been catching alot of shit from my parents lately. Shit that is really getting to me, and getting inside my head. They tell me all the time that Im going to fuck up and screw up and that I should have a job by now and all that shit. I almost left for good last night, he didnt let me.

And I am glad he didnt because I know that later once I calmed down from my rage Id have regret it. I think he knew that. He sits there and says all these things about how I think and what I do and 95% of the time he is right about me. That makes me so mad that hes right and knows how I think and why I do certin things I do.

Last night we were both driving home and my mom called me up and started screaming at me, matt was behind me and during the course of this I almost got into a horrible accident. He called me and told me to pull over somewhere. I did he did behind me and got out of his car and just held me till I felt better, and that was just so wonderful of him. I feel so safe with him, then i went home and I was alone in my room and realize how I acted that night and how even after I was horrible to him some other shit happened with my mom and he was right there no questions asked...
After that, I felt like i didnt deserve him, so I told him that. He said dont worry, and that everything is fine basically. Then I finnally fell asleep. I have the urge to see him right now I feel the need to make things up to him. I think next friday will be a good time because we are going to swan lake..maybe we will do dinner before hand since Im getting a heavy paycheck this week. It wont make up for it, but its just a nice thing to do, and I was going to do it anyway. Alright kids..im out..bye

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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
11:42 am
grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Barbra isnt teaching today because she has to go to some gala thing, which was fine because up until now her daughter gabby was going to teach, but gabby cant so guess who's teaching?? Me..yea..and now I wont have class today so Ill feel lazy grrrr!!

Didnt get global threat tickets yet its gonna be a good show, global threat, the unseen, the ghouls, and fuck some one else it escapes me at the moment..really hope it doesn't sell out, Matt got mad at me because I told him I was getting him a ticket so he could go..it's really not that big a deal it's like 10 bucks. But after I told him he was being a sexist dickhead for being mad at me he realized that he infact was an apologized. Also NEED TO GET AGAINST ME! TICKETS!!! AHHH. I already got my priority shows which are adicts and bouncing souls, Matt is going to the souls with me which should be fun because we both love them, and we both love against me.

Things with him and I are better. Mainly because I realized that it is just going to take time to get to know him and I need to stop stressing over every little thing and constantly worrying if he likes me or not...if he didnt he wouldnt be with me..its as simple as that. I got a comment on a previous entry from Matty, and that made me happy, I dont want things to be shitty with us...I want things to be cool we didnt really end on bad terms.. and im glad he drops a line everyonce in a while, hope hes as a happy as I am..because he deserves to be. Everyone deserves to be happy, except the people I hate..they should rot in hell. Ok kids time for a shower and I really gotta clean my room..its gross..bye

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
7:06 pm
blah blah blah BLAH SO BORED!!!!!!! and pissed off...I dont even have enough money to buy against me tickets right now...hope the shit doesnt sell out, I was counting on my mom to lend me the money so I can buy global threat tickets..but NOOOOOO that didnt work out tonight either, guess ill have to wait till friday till I get paid..damnit..its not like i cant get them with out a credit card neway!!! and my dad wont let me use my visa so shit..im fucked till friday!!! grrrr!!!! meh ok im gonna get a shower...matts coming over when hes done class and that makes me happy

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Saturday, September 17th, 2005
8:51 pm
blech, today was utterly exhausting, woke up at 7:30 danced from 9:30, went to visit matt @ georges...we slept for like an hour and half. Im wearing myself out between dancing so much and working and stuff.

Things kinda suck right now though, last night matt and I had a huge fight that was al my fault...ive fucked up so many times in this relationship it makes me sick to think about it...it pretty much has to do with me being scared shittless and thinking that matt is going to screw me over, which hes not..he is the most honest logical person I ever met and he hates the world as much as I do. I just dont know how to be in a relationship since matty, one because its not long distance...two because I trust him but at the same time I keep thinking why is he with me...im a heartless bitch?? For the 1st time I am completely unsure of myself and I have no clue what is right and whats wrong, what to get pissed at what not to..its so damn frustrating but so wonderful at the same time because I am happy whenever I am with him...even when things are rocky...its just weird..the whole thing is fuck up, we are fucked up too...I guess that is why we work so well together...we both want the same things, we want to succeed, he wants to go into astro physics...I want to dance..we wont let anything stand in our way to get to where we want to be..I think I love this kid...he thinks he loves me but we are both terriffied to fully admit it to eachother..but at the same time..he doesnt have to say anything because I know he does..he wouldnt waste his time with me if he didnt...thats not logical...meh...ok kids im out..hes haveing a speak easy at his house tonight...I gotta get ready

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
9:48 pm
matt is having a speak easy at his house this weekend...I can't fuckin wait...and holy shit the motherfucker just randomly showed up at my house...love this kid..

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Monday, September 12th, 2005
5:17 pm
Choking victim was amazing....nough said...cant wait for the adicts...and the bouncing souls!!! yay!! now off to work I go

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Friday, September 9th, 2005
8:36 am
Yesterday was good, I got up and went to NY..then came home..then went to the movies with Matt and his dad..we saw the constant gardener...it was really sad...then Matt and I went back to his house and yea stuff....good stuff heh. His mom decided to randomly put their house up for sale so hes either going to move out or move in with his dad who lives in moorestown. So instead of living 10 min away he will live like 20..thats not bad but I liked the house he lives in now, and I like his basement bedroom that we can go down and chill in and no one bothers us...grr..alright kids time for a shower...peace

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Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
1:44 pm
The things that go on at Georges house.....

george- you have to eat
me- I'm not hungry man...I ate like an hour ago
george- LOOK ANNE FRANK.... you look like you just got out of auchuitz NOW FUCKING EAT!!!!!!!!!!!! (matt falls on the floor and laughs)

current mood: happy

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Monday, September 5th, 2005
4:18 pm
Ok so I lied....I guess rather then deleting my live journal I'll just be in and out, For starters..the summer started out really shitty...Matty and I broke up after 3 long years...it just wasnt working anymore..we are on good terms though. 4th of july rolled around and I met a new guy...his name is Matt ironically enough, and hes wonderful...he has made me so happy the past two months and things have just been great. I start back at abercrombie this week...eh and yea it will be nice to have money..started smoking again..cant afford anything cause reds are so expensive..and I have to pay for my own gas starting October after I get a couple paychecks in...fun fun shit...I guess thats all for now cause im about to head over to Matt's...bye kids

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Sunday, September 4th, 2005
4:24 pm
yea...so its been awhile..things have changed...new boyfriend..new friends..the summer started out horrible..but ended wonderfully...good things are soon to come...but this is my last live journal entry...its too hard to keep up with...I am still on myspace though...those of you who know my screenname the link is in my info..till then..lata kids

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Friday, June 17th, 2005
12:19 pm
blah...Barbra just called we cant have class till one but its actually 12:30 so I have to head out soon.

My mom told me a sure way for Matty to win my dad over..and that is always a good thing. I miss him so much..I keep playin with the ring and lookin at it. January seems so awfully far away. I can't wait till he finnally settles up here...we have been waiting for this for so long. Alrighty im gonna head on out to class...anyone who lives in the south jersey area and is bored tonight get your asses out to the grandslam...details a couple entries below..bye kids

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